Karman M. is wildly creative, a fantastic homemaker and one of the most gracious hosts at a gathering you will ever meet. I never cease to be inspired and encouraged by her. For February, I asked her to be our guest writer. She is a woman who understands love: loving and be loved. I hope you are encouraged as you read.
Several years ago two fictitious characters showed up in my imagination. They sat across a table from each other sharing their two vastly different visions of what love is. I can’t count how many times their conversation has almost haunted me as I try and grapple with the question of what love is in my own life and experiences.
The Conversation
“You speak to me of love, but what is love that I should even want it? The only kind of love I have ever known is the kind that consumes. It only values what it can take from me. What is love that doesn’t devour in return for its affection? I don’t know it, don’t believe in it, and I don’t want it.”
The man across from her listened closely to the heartbreak that underscored the harsh tone and words. His heart and eyes filled with sorrow at a world so broken that even love could be distorted to the point that someone would feel safer without it. Of course he knew that the love she was talking about was not love at all, but only a monster named Selfishness masquerading as love. He had to choose his next words carefully, but no matter what he chose to say, he also knew that they would be meaningless, even more damaging if he wasn’t prepared to follow them up with actions. His ability to teach what love is was only as good as his ability to show it consistently and over time.
“The love you described is not love. Real love does not devour or consume, it builds up and strengthens. It gives of itself to bring a person to better, not just to make them more comfortable in their broken-ness. If we allow* someone to see us as and use us as an object that is merely there for their pleasure we are only making them more comfortable in their unhealthy broken appetite. We are not leaving them or us better. Likewise, if we only want someone to be there for our pleasure we for sure aren’t truly loving and valuing them, or ourselves. True, real love starts by knowing our own value and then offering that same value to someone else. Cheapening your value cheapens the love that you are able to give and be given.”
*Disclaimer: Abuse that cannot be walked away from is not a choice. I am in no way condoning abuse or victim shaming. The word “allowing” refers solely to the choices that are within our means to make and change. I am meaning the times in our lives we make unhealthy choices based on our concept of what love is.
True, real love starts by knowing our own value and then offering that same value to someone else. Cheapening your value cheapens the love that you are able to give and be given.
Oooph.
For the better part of my life, I have questioned my own self-worth and value. Deep shame, depression, and contempt were my constant companions for years, starting in childhood. I felt like I could love others, but not myself. This character’s words challenged me deeply.
Is that true? Do I really need to love myself?
I mean, Biblically, is that true?
I always thought we were to love others more than ourselves and I had that down, or at least I thought I did.
What does the Bible actually say?
30 And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:20-31 ESV
Mark 12:31 The key to understanding this and other statements about love is to know that this love (the Greek word agape) is not so much a matter of emotion as it is of doing things for the benefit of another person, that is, having an unselfish concern for another and a willingness to seek the best for another. AMP footnote
If I am to love my neighbor as myself and that love means to have an unselfish concern for them and to seek the best for them. It also means I need to do the same for myself. To truly be able to love my neighbor, I need to be able to truly love myself.
Can I tell you how uncomfortable that felt? Foreign – wrong even. The Bible tells me to love God with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. It also tells me that the reason we love God is because He first loved us (1John 4:19). I wondered, does God really love me when I feel so unlovable?
God began walking me through some very deep emotional areas of my life. Areas where I would almost rather die than deal with. I just wanted to know how to be okay and get on the other side of them. I would ask people what I needed to do to be okay. No one could give me a 3 step answer. It felt hopeless. But God.
The key turned out to be learning how much God loved me. He loved me, in ALL my mess. Loved me in the areas I wanted to hide. He loved the parts of me that I wanted to kill! He loved me! I slowly began to allow His love for me to transform into love for myself. Those shameful parts of me I gave to Him. I also allowed myself to acknowledge them. Slowly, ever so slowly, began to allow myself to love them. I spoke to my internal self the way love would. Shame and self loathing began to slip away taking depression with them.
The thing I have found on this journey to be most interesting is that by giving love to myself I am better able to love others. I thought I was pretty good at that before. What I realized, though, is that so many times I was expecting others to give me validation in return for my love. I couldn’t really give them love, because it came with the strings of making me feel okay about me. I didn’t often verbalize it, but I was seeking approval, validation, and worth by doing things for others, because I didn’t have those things for myself.
Once I realized that God truly loves me and that His love wasn’t somehow meant for everyone but me, but truly and wholly for me, it opened up a door to start valuing myself.
My world isn’t shattered when someone doesn’t like me or some aspect of my life. There is such freedom in that. Glorious freedom. And out of that freedom I can love others better and more fully. I know I am loved, therefore I love. I am not so easily offended. Through a lens of love that wasn’t there before I can see others.
So, what is love? Here is a small sampling of words and phrases from the Bible that tell us what love is:
Patient, kind, does not envy, doesn’t boast, isn’t proud, rejoices in the truth, doesn’t delight in evil, never fails, is steadfast, everlasting, slow to anger, gentle, does not keep a record of wrongs, gives without expectation, forgives, is faithful, and so much more.
If you have ever struggled with loving yourself, I encourage you to seek God out and ask Him to show you His love for you. He will do it. Once you get just a glimpse of His great love for you, you will want more. You will want to love Him more. Allow that love to wash over you and all the places that feel dirty and hard, or broken.
The answer I sought for so long on how to heal those deeply wounded areas was simply God’s love. It took time and came in stages and it often didn’t feel simple at all. How it looked for me probably won’t be how it looks for anyone else, but God knows every part of you. He will lead you in ways that will bring healing to those areas if you listen and let Him.